A beautiful music piece came to mind
A piece that could be played in my mind but not on my guitar
My obsession for this piece is so strong that it is overpowering me.
I became another person entirely
For days and days I have been trying to play that very piece,
My fingers somehow became so stiff that I could not move it properly
My eyes were tired, I have not got any rest because for some reason I
just had to play it right first.
Not long after, my eyes felt as though it was on fire.
I lifted my hand to wipe the tears of my face
Not only were my fingers bleeding but my tears were as red as blood
But my vision was not any colour but black and white.
 
I seek for help.
I screamed louder than I have ever screamed
I could see people coming towards me,
But they could not hear my scream
Neither could my hand reach to touch them
I felt as hard as stone.
 
The rhythm came to my mind again
And this time so much louder
It was so touching I continued to cry but even harder now.
A tear dropped on my pure white dress and that spot became red
The music piece started to play in my mind louder and louder.
And finally something that has a very beautiful colour came to sight.
That colour was way brighter than any other colours
That figure, those colours, that face, those faithful eyes, that loyal touch,
That very beautiful music piece,
Was none other than you.
 
You wiped the tears off my eyes and face and it was no longer red.
You kissed my hands and the blood disappeared.
You took that harmful guitar away from my arms and the music came to
life.
I watched all these happen without saying a word because I finally knew
That you are the music, you are the very one
You looked at me straight in my eyes, gave me a kiss and I saw angels
And  I knew that I have found you
And I knew I will no longer be hurt again
Neither will I let go of you
I want nothing but you.
 
I then held my guitar in my arms,
With my eyes closed,
The music all around me,
I played better than I have ever had
You are all that I need.

 
In your loyal and strong arms, I felt safe
I could finally give my body some rest
For I have found you and have managed to play that song so perfectly
And I was able to let myself rest
Because I am sure that you will still be here next to me the very next morning.

1.Real name – dont u guys already know?
2.Nickname – Beck…Reb…[loads actually..haha]
3.Married – IM TOO YOUNG TO BE…!!! [ I still want my freedom..!!]
4.Male or Female – Its pretty obvious u know..?? female lerr..
5.Highschool - SMK (P) St George...[proud to be a Georgian..!]
6.College – not yet…[I haven’t even finished my PMR..!]
7.Short or long hair – at least more than 5cm below my ears..[I dun want to look   like I came from PCGHS]
8.Are you a health freak – erm….noooo…I eat more than my the Moron..
9.Height – taller by a little than my SISTA…![if she didn’t grow in Aust]
10.Do you have a crush on someone – I believe you could say so
11.Do you like yourself – I have no idea how to answer this… I dun like my bad habits..
12.Piercings – two on the right and one on the left..[I hate piercings on the face]
13.Righty or Lefty – righty…[wish I was lefty…]

FIRST'S

14. First surgery – like the fella who tagged me.. [my SISTA]
15. First piercing(s) – std 6.
16. First person you see in the morning – most of the time myself if I get up on time..
17. First award – err…yeah.. 7 yrs old.. like my SISTA…..!
18. First sport you joined – proudly….TAEKWONDO…!!! [was forced at first..by the Moron]
19. First pet –I live with the person hu tagged me.. so it’s the same…2 kampung chickens..!
20. First vacation – I don’t remember..!
21. First concert – it was a short speech… with Nick..i dun remember what..and an Indian dance..[I was main character.!]

CURRENTLY

23. Eating – just had the nasi from Kedah…yum yum..
24. Drinking - Vitagen
25. I'm about to – try to study….

YOUR FUTURE

26. Want kids – I’m not planning to have any…
27. Want to get married – I doubt…
28. Careers in mind – Architect, landscape architecture, civil engineer, pilot, air force..

WHICH ONE IS BETTER

29. Lips or eyes – eyes..
30. Hugs or kisses – huggss [never been kissed]
31. Shorter or taller – Stupid… of course Taller..!
32. Romantic or spontaneous – both..!!
33. Sensitive or loud – I don’t know.... haha
34. Trouble maker or hesitant – a little of both..??

HAVE YOU EVER

35. Kissed a stranger – NOPE..!
36. Drank bubbles – if you mean the bubbles in the tub we bathe in..NO!
37. Lost glasses/contacts – LOADS
38. Ran away from home – NEVER..!
39. Liked someone younger – NO…!
40. Liked someone older – yeah.. by 3 years
41. Broken someone's heart – I think so…[not on purpose..]
42. Been arrested – I’m INNOCENT..!
43. Cried when someone died - yeah... my grandpa...[miss him..!]
44. Liked a friend – ermm.. yeah..

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

45. Yourself – not really… I always regret my choices..
46. Miracles – yupzz….
47. Heaven - yeah...
48. Santa clause – yeah.. at a point where my mum tricked me…[she put the sweets into the sock I hung..!!]
49. Angels – yeahh..!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY ~*

50. Is there one person you want to be with right now – I think so.. I’m doubting.. but it will never happen anyway..
51. Do you believe in God – A PROUD YES…!
52. Tag 5 people – Kryst..??[my sis.. but she has done it..]Quraisyia, Kath, Dhiv...and my kakak in law…!

Man, it is so hard to phrase everything that has been happening.

Youth Camp. 

It was cool. The theme was 3G which is Grow, Glow and Go. It was really fun. So many games and many new faces too. I actually thought I will be having problems to survive this four days camp because I have everything at home. But I don’t regret being there. The journey to Langkawi was quite quiet because I didn’t know many people there yet. I was put into quite a quiet group, but we got to know each other because we did many things together. Like our morning devotions, designing our banner, planning our drama and playing games.

The sessions were fun. Choices. Was the topic for one of the sessions and was the one that hit me most maybe because I have never really made my own choices. I rely on everyone around me. I get dependant so easily that when that someone drifts apart from me, I will fall instantly. The drama night was really hilarious. Basically, I really enjoyed myself. I was actually afraid because I couldn’t think of what to say for my testimonial the night before it but my prayer was answered? Everything came naturally when I stood in front of everyone.

The journey back to Penang was really funny. If you want me to include the part where I was bullied in the bus. The bus actually broke down, and we entertained ourselves with really childish but fun games like Roller Coaster, the number game, the name game and playing cards. And the scenery was nice on the highway. We saw the sunset and took many pictures of it.

Really want to thank Kath for inviting me..? I really had an enjoyable time getting to know so many other people and also getting to know God.

this someone :
                    sucks in art,
                    loves music and chemistry,
                    reads a lot,
                    mad fan of Harry Potter,
                    loves Oakley,
                    writes cool poems with me,

AND NOW….SHE IS MISSING ME TOO..!!! (I hope..)
 
U kicked me off my dreams,
Yet I hit u away,
U hit me off telling me what is right
And what is wrong,
I just end up hugging my pillow tight,
Wishing you never said a thing
I stomp into your room
Making you decide everything for me,
You get annoyed.
But I never cared.
I just needed someone to decide for me.
Every mistake I do,
I pushed the blame to you.
Every time I get into trouble,
You get the punishment when I pretend I did not do anything.
U get the bruises
I got your hatred.
I look for you when I needed you.
I hit you away when I don’t need any help.
When we were nice to each other,
You told me how you wanted to study hard to leave.
I can’t think of anything more joyful
Than having you to leave
Even before you left for your education,
You left the house because the house was pain.
And I was to blame.
That very moment,
I can’t tell myself anything else but
How much I hate you
That hatred kept growing.
Even after you were forced back home.
I was sent as a spy
My hatred made me do my job well…
Minute by minute,
The bang of the doors got louder,
She cries got worse.
But that finally ended.
The next plan was to go further away.
I jumped in joy.
Days passed so quickly
That it got closer to the packing,
The advice…
And finally,
The airport.
My mind kept saying that you are finally leaving.
And it finally brought tears to my eyes.
And now I know that I really need you to be by me.
No longer to decide,
but to teach me how to decide on my own,
To tell me what is right or wrong and this time,
I will accept it with an open mind
To appreciate the times that you are around.

+[Beck]+

    I was having a herd time packing for the youth camp because I have so many things to bring(maybe not really used to camps yet…). Was grumbling and grumbling and grumbling. Most of the time, my dad will end up feeling frustrated when I start to mumble and grumble. He walked into my room and I thought, “that’s it…I don’t think I get to go for camp anymore…” then he just simply asked me what was the matter and I simply answered the bag will not be able to fit all my clothes. Miraculously, he just told my mum about it so my mum gave me a bigger bag. I was seriously amused and angry at the same time. He nearly killed me, and now he is talking to me so nicely. I don’t think I can live with this man… It’s kinda killing me. I try to be nice too but it doesn’t work. The incident just keeps on hitting into my head.

       That night, he came into my room, and asked me if I have any money. I told him that my mum did give me some. And the next thing he said was, “Here is 50  bucks.” I was clearing my room before he entered so I wasn’t facing him when he was asking me. I just froze for a second or three and then turned around. He was seriously holding a fifty Ringgit note I thought I was dreaming. So I just told him to leave it on the bed and I would keep it later because I was clearing my room and he did not scold me or anything but just left the money where I told him to. I nearly fainted.

 Having to be awake every night can be some kind of torture. Staring at the ceiling, chatting away on MSN(it gets sucky when I cant sign in), SMS-ing my frens and “family”(and there is where my credit goes), talking on the phone, reading(I finished the 6^th Left Behind series I just bought now I am stuck with nothing again).

Last night I somehow was thinking bout my past. That hurt me like mad but sometimes when I think of it, I can’t help smiling. I wouldn’t have made it without my friends there with me. Suyi and Zhi, always ignoring me when I talk on and on about it, sometimes saying how stupid I am by only saying these few words,” Aiyo! Just move on la..!”. And there is Dhiv, always there when I want to go to the field when it is raining heavily, there to talk to me when I cry, there to stop me from doing my stupid acts to follow my heart and then hurt myself. Ying, to give me really long and painful lectures. Vick(daddy) to be there to listen to me complain and cry myself out through the phone, poem replying each other. It was quite a year in form2…

Thanks all of you. So I found this poem and edited it for all of you guys..

This advice doesn't work but,
these are the words they say
To one of me every day.
'Get over her and move on,
you have to realize she's gone.
You can't act like nothing's wrong.
Stop pretending to be strong
she doesn’t love you but it's okay.
Just think of us everyday.
Think of what good friends we are,
Remember that before you go so far.'
These words keep me alive with them
They make me live, just to see.
that I fight my way to make them smile,
But they know it'll only last a little while.
Some new person will break my heart,
And then again,
And I’ll tell them how she ripped me apart.
I’ll cry to her if she’s was here,
and that's why they will stay, to soothe my tears…

I finally see peace in many things…my sis with my friends. So many other things but just not at home. I used to wish I live in a mansion. But after moving to this house. I felt not only happy but overjoyed. My own room (without my sister because she sleeps with the lights off and without the AC….but now I want her back at home badly), my own bathroom, my own wall to put anything I like, my own space to mess it up however I want to (and have to clear it up on my own later…)

But the longer I live here, the more I realize, the size of the house is not a factor but the love in it is. Quarrels fill the spaces in it. What’s worse, it’s not only the quarrels, its now FIGHTS. That causes painful tears that seem impossible to heal. Not only it is impossible to heal each others own wound but it’s like drawing lines to separate the large space in the house or maybe even building walls…

These walls either never breakdown or will take ages. I usually never cared much about other children who gets abused but now I feel how they feel. But maybe not as badly. But bad enough to be crying every time I am alone. I am not able to feel free here in this space, I am the prisoner.

Flashback.
It was just nothing but a misunderstanding that leads to a painful memory. Dinner was fine in front of the television as usual. Munch-munch-munch….”What are u doing..?? Don’t know how to take the food and chew?? Keep staring at the television. Don’t know how to eat?? You are eating like Dexter...” I was eating, he taught I wasn’t and even worse compared me to that little boy who is a pervert and watches XXX

BINGO…. I was nearly killed.

By my own family. From the living room to the dining area. From my food in front of me to the other end of the table. From his voice scolding me to my uncle’s voice scolding him…and back to him scolding me. From that to mum scolding me… and then to me nearly being killed (strangled….I wonder what would have happened if I was really killed. Maybe you won’t be able to read this now or maybe even see me in school after this.)

From the strangle to mum pushing him away and crying. Then to grandma scolding everyone. To my uncle hugging me while i kept on sobbing. From this scene to everyone in the living room. Here the scolding and quarreling continues. Where uncle scolds everyone, and mum and him quarreling. Till a visitor (relatives) came and we went back home through the back door. In fear.

This is something that I will never forget yet will not be able to forgive or even talk to him. It hurts to look at him everyday and be reminded that he nearly killed me. Alone in tears all the time. Not knowing when he will strike again because this isn’t the first time.

Just as long as I don’t have to live with him, I do not mind a small place to live, without the AC, a room having to share with my sister. Anything, just not here in fear and pain. A place with sincere happiness everyday,

Just a very simple prayer to be happy with my mum and sister.

It continued to flow,
As warm as ever,
Not realizing it’s effects,
Yet,
Drowned beyond all dreams and hopes,
Dreams that never faded,
Hope that never left my thoughts,
Even so,
The line I drew. 
I drew and drew and drew,
And am not stopping.
A reason for all,
And the reason you know. 
The reason was told,
And retold,
The reason had an effect too,
Blood was not shown,
But was deeply felt,
And now,
Fills my nights.
 I drew the line again,
This time,
Vowed it’s my last line.
This time,
Hoping I will not step beyond it again.
This time,
Fighting for the will and strength in me.

A stab straight to the heart,
Blood not seen,
Yet makes sense.
Kills me just to accept that.
Forcing?
The only word I could get to use for now.
The thought of it brings tears to my eyes,
Flowing the moment it shuts,
The thought just will not leave my mind,
Even when watered from head to toe,
Slapped,
Shot with words,
Never did it leave.
As helpless as I felt,
Or maybe feel?
Faith never left my dictionary.
I planted it,
And I will remove it.
With faith and prayers.
 

“I’m not surprised if one day you come around telling me you like that person....” That’s what my best friend actually said to me. Man, I’m trying so hard and that’s not being supportive at all, but anyways I think that’s just the way you are. So, I don’t blame you but I just need support I guess?

Merentas desa was crappy. It was 4 point something kilometers and I was walking with the form 6 students, which is the last batch to leave? Then again, I’m like the youngest that looks as though I lost my way. Haha. But I had my friends there. We ended up as the last 5 people of the whole merentas desa thing, but we enjoyed ourselves with jokes and all.

After the merentas desa we went hiking for fun. Haha. It was cool because we took the short cuts and climbed up the rope thing. Good start to overcome my fear of heights??

Before Competition.

Q    : I can feel it. We are going to win and we are going to Sarawak!
Me  : What is with you and Sarawak?  You have been saying that since             morning. Are we Even really going to go to Sarawak if we win?             Omgg! Dun tell me you like the same Sarawak guy from MSSM?
Q    : Aaah? Wait wait. What does he take part in?
Me  : Cakera.
Q    : yes yes..!

 
After Competition.
Q    : I can feel it. We are going to win and we are going to Sarawak!
Me  : I hope so..
Sam: it’s not Sarawak.
Me  : Really? Then where is it?
Sam: I heard that its Kelantan.
Q    : okay then, we are going to Kelantan to see the dirty streets.
Me : Omgg.. I don’t want to go to Kelantan! Later I wear sleeveless shirt         they will all come after me!!

After Getting Results.
Jo   : who says we are going to Kelantan?
Me : Sam did. Why?
Jo   : Kelantan is a different zone. How are we to go there when we are         in a different zone??
Me : Sam! You were joking is it?
Sam: *smiles*.. hehe..

 
SGGS Drama Team. We won again! We are now the state champions…! the joy that was brought into our hearts…it was the same joy that was brought to our teachers’ hearts. What’s best? We have a great present for ma’am on her retiring day. For the first time in SGGS Drama Team’s history, this is the very first time we are State Champ!! 1 TEAM, 1 SOUND…!!

PHOTOSHOOT…! Aaah..! I got to BOSS you around! You had to listen to me. Although that was the procedure but I felt glad, happy and proud. Haha. I certainly enjoyed myself at that point. We took loads of pictures for other people but of course we did not forget ourselves! We got our personal pictures taken, funny pictures, group pictures. It was fun though tired.

MUSICAL CONCERT. It was a nice story. But I wasted RM20 because I had the editorial board pass and all I did was showed them my pass and they didn’t even ask me for my ticket! Damn! Now my ticket doesn’t have a hole. It’s a perfect ticket as a souvenir and I was angry at Tutu. I have no particular reason why. She’s been very annoying lately but I don’t have to show that she is annoying me I guess?

HOME. This place seems to be getting worse everyday. It’s quiet and if it’s really noisy, it’s because we are all quarreling. It’s just so frustrating.

Leave me alone…! You can’t just stop me in everything that I want to. You seem to be over using your rights and u say you have the rights to do so. For goodness sake…! I was not mad for not being able to be there. I was mad you did it without a strong reason and doing it just because you feel like it. Maybe you are just seriously jealous maybe even ENVY I have friends around me defending me for your inconsiderate actions. It’s not going to make any difference. Friends are the family I chose and I love them as my friends. What is worse? I am sure you will continue to do it till I give in. even so, I am not letting you step over me and so I will not give in. You have your ways and so do I. I don’t see a reason in fighting back and causing trouble for myself. I will just be who I am and let you do everything you want till you give up doing anything cause I am not going to make visible mistakes at your sight.

Being mad at you doesn’t benefit me at all too. I will just see through this I guess, and till you do something seriously over the line I drew between you and me. That is that lady..! haha…

Damn this year sure is moving fast...!

Surviving to be on the surface of the water to get the air sure is difficult I cant imagine swimming to the shore leaving the past in the seas. I will just pray for guidance?

12/4/08.--Watched Facing The Giants. It was a nice movie. It was sad but not till the point of crying. Though some people did…Haha. A miracle made that turns out wrong seriously hurts. Though it’s suppose to be better that way for everyone, it just kills. but I guess on the other hand I was also saved on this particular day???? After breaking down badly…I just couldn’t help it any longer I guess? I guess the serious breaking point was your prayer?? I hope my life will change for the better from that day onwards. Though the truth will not be revealed to them anytime soon, I will just carry on with it. With the help of Eliz and all around me, I guess I will be able to pull it through. The first thing I am feeling happy about-I cleared my INBOX…hahaha…

School doesn’t seem to be getting any better. homework seems to be piling up.

nstructions: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chatbox that he/she has been tagged.

1. What are you craving for now?
Something cold..??

2. What was the last movie you've watched?
Nim's Island… haha

3. What's the first thing on your wish list?
Don’t really have one in particular… I wish to be visible??

4. What are you most happy with now?
hahaha.. don’t ask.

5. If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
To go to Rome, and Japan with someone that will be here forever??

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
yup...love rainbows.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
my friendship with someone.

8. If you could chose the way u want to die, how would you?
I would wanna die in a cool and peaceful place looking up into the sky filled with stars, with the person I love most holding me??

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
I would if I could, when I have the courage n bravery??

10. Do you curse?
well.. yeah

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I dunno??

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
hate is too strong a word?? Dislike people who backstabbs

13. What is your ambition?
I have three for the moment?? haha architect, civil engineer, pilot??

14. If you have fault, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
I think I will Point out….actually it depends who it is.

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
I have no idea.. I cant decide..

16. Could you name three people you would turn to if you had a problem so big that you couldn't hold it in?
can I add one more to the three?? haha..

17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you?
crazy??

18. What will you do if someone faints in front of you?
help her up?

19. What makes you different?.
1. I’m a scatter brain??
2. I’m crazy.??
3. I draw things people don’t??
Basically…I’m everything people usually don’t like

20. If you could change the world, you would?
I would rule the world my way? haha.. I have no idea..

Count the seconds,
You will lose track...
Count the minutes,
You will lose track...
Count the hours,
You will lose track...
Count the days...
You will lose track...
Count the weeks,
You will lose track,
Count the months,
You will lose track...
Count the years...
You will lose track...
For when you were with me...
You could only feel the beats and counts of Love
You forgot you were counting time...
That you have been by my side...
You never let your eyes fall on anything else...
We could talk, laugh, and smile for hours...
Our Love was strong enough to do so...
But now...
Not only has it weakened…
It has already Faded...
Into darkness… all alone...
We could spend hours...
Looking into each others eyes...
That filled nothing... but the Purity of Love...
But now...
We could only throw words of anger against each other...
When we meet each others gaze... Every single day...      
That anger… We tried to avoid…
Am I the only one??
That thinks we can wash all these anger away??
Erase the harsh words…
That we had used on each other…
Forget the bitter moments…
That we have been through…
Leaving only the happy moments…
Moments we never felt alone...
Moments where sorrow…
Never existed...
Moments when we laugh without worry...
All day…
Smile every minute…
That we are happy together...
Am I now standing all alone??
In darkness??
Thinking of happiness we could have achieved??
But, I guess…
Those we our bitter pass...
That I have foolishly lived in …
All alone...
Still… I try my very best to forget…
But still… it haunts me…
It returns to me in a scary way...
As though it was my entire fault...
For each and every argument…
For every harsh word…
Although…it is not true to say it was my entire fault…
It haunts me in my dreams…
Distracts me in my work...
Will I ever return to the pass??
Hiding from everything else...
But now...
I start to question myself...
What do I have to hide from??
Do I have anything to cherish from the past??
When it was with someone who never appreciated me…
Someone who tricks, lies, blames and throws harsh words…
But I had fallen deeply…
Deep enough to cause me to drown…
I wished...
And dreamed...
You could come back to my side…
Comfort me...
Smile at me…
Say that you Love me…
And we could start over new…
To change you…
From a liar to a person whom I can trust…
From someone who tricks…
To someone who is honest…
From someone who blames others…
To someone that will forgive and forget…
From someone who throws harsh words…
To someone who uses terms of Love…
To weaken my soft fragile heart…
But…
I saw you…
Holding that girl so tightly in your arms…
My heart shattered into a million pieces…
That could not be fixed..
That will never allow anyone into it anymore…
For you never gave me a reason…
Only a note…
I was hurt…
Disappointed...
Ashamed…
After reading the note…
All I could see…
Was the moment…
I fell into your arms for the first time…
You filled me…
With nothing…
But the Purity and Beauty of Love…
By the look in your eyes…
And the first beautiful kiss we shared…
I never forgot…
Is not forgotten…
And I will never forget…
For that moment…
I felt as though I was the happiest person in the universe…
But…
Those were our past…
I was brought back to earth…
When I felt the note…
In my shivering fingers…
I felt hot tears flowing down my cheeks…
My mind was confused…
Never this confused before…

 +Beck+

This past, I will never forget. I used to write a lot last year. Me and Dhiv. I wrote this behind my exam paper, and nearly flunked the subject. I don’t quite remember what subject but it became true anyway. Most of it became true. After I wrote the poem.

It gave me creeps but I had to accept the fact that it has already happened and I had to stand up. It took me ages to do so. But I believe that the cause of this will teach me a good lesson to be learnt.

Aunt Elizabeth, Ean, Kath and I went to watch Nim’s Island yesterday. It was a fun outing. Maybe it was Kath’s highlight of MUSHROOMS and CELERY…!but we went to Sakae Sushi for dinner. As usual, Elizabeth made us all laugh. And I mean laugh hard. It was fun. We spent most of our time laughing than eating. But I’m quite sure I won’t forget how we struggled with the beef.... Haha.. Then we went for the movie. It was alright. After the movie, we went to Ti-Zed because Eliz wanted to get the pants that I was wearing. We went there and I found it. She took size M to try and realized it’s kinda tight. So I said why don’t you try size L? But she was complaining that she never wear anything that is sized L. at that moment, we saw this guy, aged maybe around 24? He was shopping for clothes with his PARENTS…! And we actually saw him posing in a stupid way to show is parents what he was wearing, it was hilarious…! Kath and I couldn’t help laughing. Basically, it was a day of laughter.

I’m singing a song in my head,

And I hear a soft whisper,

Tells me who I am

And what will come of me,

It tells me who my friends are,

Tells me who means most to me,

Tells me why I’m in pain,

Why this pain in vain,

This voice,

Is my heart.

Can I deny it??

If I want to,

Can i push it away??

If I had the strength??

I close my eyes,

I see nothing,

But felt the touch of mist,

Trapping me in this eerie place,

Noticed a tear falling from my right eye,

Before my left.

             I wish, I hope, I dream,

            What comes from these thoughts...?

What comes from this feeling??

Let alone the pain.

I think I have fallen again,

I cant help it but I’m here,

    I cant deny it,

    My heart wont let me.

    I cant push it,

    I don’t have the strength,

I am just here,

Looking at you at the other side of nowhere,

You are lost too,

You are in pain,

I want to be there for you,

To be the only one.

But I am here,

Helpless I feel,

Because I am not she,

I can’t cure your pain,

For she is your cure,

She did not come to you,

Yet left u alone,

The pain u feel,

I feel too

Lost you are,

So am I,

              Our memories I treasure,

   But you treasure hers,           

I feel a stab in my heart,

More pain than ever??

But it is,

In nothing but vain

I yearn for your loving care and hugs,

Yet you yearn for hers,

You held my hand,

I felt that heaven was next to me,

But you only feel that way,

When your with her

What is there that I can do??

Of course,

Walk out the door..!

Aah,

Easy as words,

Cheap they are.

Unable to follow the words said,

    I lay weaker than ever,

Thinking of nothing but you,

Then again,

I feel like a fish on land,

Breathless.

Helpless.

My friends come to aid,

Passer bys come for laughter,

I am their laughter.

I am their joke.

They look at me,

Thinking how stupid I am to be there on land,

To risk myself for something I want badly,

Friends never gave up on me,

They keep coming back to be there for me

But I push them away all the time

At times on purpose.

At times,

I am in thick mist,

Unable to see what I have done,

And so,

Loneliness I feel

Hug me tight,

I need u.

Hold me forever I must have you.

Tell me I will be yours forever.

I am doing nothing but dreaming for those.

The moment I let my friends in,

It is too late.

I have been injured badly.

Enough to make me feel death,

The seconds i count,

Together with the minutes,

And days,

I never let my mind loose the count,

I cannot afford that,

I want every moment to count,

To be recorded in my mind,

Though you would be recording hers,

A FOOL I am,

Yes.

That is me,

Stand by me,

I won’t let you go,

Vanquished...vanished...overpowered....

Just by your smile,

I feel weak in the knees,

I could melt in your warm hugs,

I know nothing but u,

Tell my pain and love will not be in vain,

For you will be here with me,

To cure my pain,

And to return my love,

With all your heart,

Tell me it doesn’t matter that I am dreaming,

Because you are in the very same dream,

For where I am, there you'll be,

I pray a silent prayer,

Praying for a miracle,

&*^% school. There is just so many things to do. Lame things. Well, except drama pracs. We won kelompok level. YAY!! So many things that I have learnt from drama. Mainly, my temper. So many things just got on my nerves but I just said nothing. Yet, we did many interesting things. Breaking into the hall..!!! muahahaha..

Other than being in the drama team, I think some of us can be called the HALL BREAKERS…! Basically, we broke into the hall. We actually kept our stuff in the hall because the hall would be locked after school and our things would be safer in there. So it was a public holiday on the 20^th March. We went to school to finish some stuff. I reached school and met Quraisyia.

Quraisyia : okay…lets go to the office to get the keys to the hall.

Me       : but today is a public holiday. Will there even be anyone in the office??

Quraisyia : Owh yeah..!! but may be there will be some people.

And so we reached the office and noticed that everything was locked. Including the reception.

Quraisyia : oh my goodness!

Me        : oh my god! What are we going to do??

Quraisyia : may be we could break into the hall…

Me              :  and how are we going to do that?

Quraisyia : from the left side of the hall.  Have done it before with a couple of my

              friends.

On the way to the hall, Laureen reached school. We told her that the school office is closed and that we were going to break into the hall. Quraisyia told us that she needs someone small to put her hands through the grills to push the latch down. At that moment, Laureen pointed at me and said, “SMALL!!” so okay, I had to admit that. And so we reached the right side of the hall and I was asked to put my hands through the grills to reach the latch. But guess what?? I ended up putting my head through the grills too because firstly, I can’t see where the latch is and my hands are not long enough. Just then, Q realized that the bottom latch was locked too. We concluded that all our hands were too short and that we needed a stick or something. Q found us a stick. So Laureen and I  held the stick each on one end and tried to push the latch down, but we ended up breaking the stick. Then we found some string on the floor near the canteen. We tied a loop using the string and hooked the latch into the loop. Because the string was long, Laureen used the other end for the bottom latch. Then with Q’s super strength, she managed to pull the string up together with the latch, the door could be opened!!!!haha.

Then when we were in the hall already, we went to get the paint and our props to finish. I was holding 3 big bottles of Pelaka paint. And on the way walking down from the stage, I dropped the brown paint on the stage and some of the paint spilled. Lucky me the paint was finishing so not much paint was spilt. So we had to clear ‘evidence’. It wasn't’t hard to clear because the carpet on the stage was nearly the same colour. Haha. We finished clearing and we were walking out of the hall when suddenly TOPPLE…! There goes the brown paint on the floor again. This time more paint and what’s worse? It was on the tiles. This was hard to clear. I had to fetch water to wash the paint of because once again, it was EVIDENCE..! when we were done, Ven and sis came.. and we started to take pics the evidence and all. It was really a nice experience.

Omg..! The application for the ASEAN scholar is out ...! now I’m starting to freak... U dun expect me to do basic add math in form 3...I decided to go for it anyway. I think I will just try... Just  hope I dun get distracted.. because I seem to be lately. Haha.... its just another way to run away from this house AS SOON AS POSSIBLE…! Parents are already trying to convince me to study local… like what in the world?? Waaah!!